The Darker Side of a Human Experience

I find many have questions about my personal issues. They want to know why I call myself a hermit. Some what to know how I became a hermit. Others ask why I feel a need to limit my contact with people, even as I profess to loving all of humanity and the wonders of uniqueness within all people. So, I will attempt to share the truth and whys of this aspect of my life.

There is a time in my past where I lost all faith in the decency of my fellow humans. It took some time for these feelings of fading faith and trust, to degrade to a point, where a single action pushed these issues straight over the edge, for yours truly.

I know I’ve seen more of the darker side of humanity, than most. I think that’s a good thing though. I think, most often, those on the darker side haven’t made an overt or conscious choice to get where they are. With circumstances often beyond youths control, youth as it ages in difficulty and stress, moves towards this, that I call the darker side of a human experience.

My first upset back then, was the effect of poverty. Even in a western culture, under our standards, poverty is a sad state of affairs. It wasn’t the struggle of the adults in poverty that was difficult. It was the suffering of the young whose parents were struggling. It was knowing that there was enough not to end the struggle of the parents but the suffering of the children.

Seeing how youth has changed, and not for the better, when something truly their own, was missing from their life. When others have had good summer vacations with family, but yours was trying to save some change for clean laundry. Knowing other families have leftovers from meals, when your experience is white bread and mayonnaise sandwiches, after scraping together enough change, at the month’s end, for a loaf of bread, isn’t the best place for youth to consider their future.

So I’ve watched what actions become more common and seemingly acceptable as these age groups progress in years. Knowing at the same time, because of various other experiences, that such a life for children doesn’t have to exist . That doesn’t stop the negative advancement. Knowing there’s an answer and having the powers that be take the decision that gives the answer motion are completely different.

My first hit to faith was the no action for the sake of children. My second hit to faith was the young themselves, and the ease at which their ethical actions push aside. But here, I don’t actually see any behaviors that other poor populace’s don’t espouse when impoverished themselves. Maybe I was wrong to hope for better.

These are small issues. The true move over the edge is seeing those youth who’ve become adults in this environment, who now have a real choice in life, as to their direction, choosing to advance their loss of moral and ethical values under the free will of adulthood.

These observations of a communities dynamic came from direct observation, while working at a crappy Convenience-Store. Granted, you do see the best and the worst of humanity in such a place. Honestly though, those best parts of humanity are very few and farther between, than one would hope.

The worst of humanity is what caused my personal change. My lack of trust and loss of faith in my fellow-man, is complete with this, the worst part. That part being those youths who’ve grown to adulthood and not changed their path but escalated their crimes.

I had a friend stop in my work after his work to grab his nightly 16 ounce beer and chat. I had a bunch of customers rushing to buy alcohol, and in queue. My friend said hello to a female customer, and all hell broke loose. My friend was then attacked, by the girls boyfriend, who was also a neighborhood gang member. While this happened others held me back, and seeing an opportunity the customers looted the store. Meanwhile while being held back, the gang members attempted the murder of my friend while I could only struggle and watch.

When it finished, after the looting beating ambulance and police, I cleaned up the puddles of blood my friend had left, and pulled blood spattered products off the shelves, and tried to clean the dried droplets from the windows, and finished my shift. I’ve never to return to the neighborhood let alone the store.

Several months later I testified against the three gang member, at trial. They were, convicted. I lost a friend too. I think that was destiny. I know I suffered guilt for so long, not being able to save a friend from such a fate. I’ve also even though I love humanity, I have no faith or trust in those whom I don’t know. This is why I choose the life of a hermit. These circumstances are why I stay close to home. You see it’s not for me I stay home, it’s for you. Protection is the concern. Protecting you from me. My lack of trust and faith in you, brings me to a full defensive state. A state of mind where the unknowns are a danger and those dangers might cause on my part the inappropriate actions, of which I complain. A loss of morals and ethics, as my body slips into survival mood.

I am kind loving stable and happy when holding down the hermit home front. I am a spring ready to snap, ready to give up my life for those I love, without question, on a seconds notice of perceived danger. I am a hermit, and see myself as an unaccounted for variable when spending time in public. As a hermit I care and I love, in public I’m a time bomb that searches for injustice and crime. I have what I’m told is a special look. Which has now and then served me well. The unknown for other is when that look comes, how close I am to dispensing my brand of vigilantly justice, with a special emphasis on adults who are lucky enough to have children, but choose to abuse them in public. Because the children are innocence, till the world of selfish uncaring inattentive abusive adults, destroys the children from within.

So, Why am I a hermit? I am a hermit for you, so I can keep love in my heart for everyone.

Being Human

Being human isn’t easy, but working from the animal within, is taking the easy way out. What is being human? Being human is the ability to contrast compare and change. Being Human isn’t ones baser emotions of hate and fear, but to set those aside and love ones fellow human beings as they are, instead of changing them into a mirror image of self.

His Name Was Scott

There are moments when life changes in a split second. I hate to say it, but most of the time these aren’t “Lottery Winning Moments” . I know, everyone has been given their own burdens to bear, in this life we led. If you don’t have any burdens of your own please write. I want to know the person, and this Utopian life they lead. Or simply see how well the lie of a burden free life is told. As that’s all I can see the claim as being.

Long ago as an outsider I slipped into a group of wonderfully flawed social misfits. Which hey, go figure, worked for me. These guy had all gone to school together, when they went to school. Honestly not in the greatest of areas back then. It was just past Seattle city line, out of “Rat City”.

I fit well with crew of guys. Hell, shared homes meals bottles booze work and life in general with these guys. The times weren’t always the best, but we all made it through. Strengthening our friendship. We even got a nickname, “The Ton of Fun, Crew”. Our boss came up with that, and referred to us by it. The job was like being an under paid over work bouncers, wrestlers, and amateur kick boxers. I never even in the beginning felt my back wasn’t 100% covered. You may not know these kind of work situations, where the “customers”, are a blaze, flying their gang colors. Where the insult at the end of the night is one of those gang members tries to put $50 in your pocket, from the roll of ill-gotten gains. Telling you to buy something nice, while almost laughing in your face flaunting their rolls of cash.

There came a time for us, even with unity, our group was broke up. Things do change in life. It is the way of things. The youngest of our group broke away first, and move to a new position in the same company. An advancement, with a nice increase in pay. We were all pleased for him.

Our youngest group member had been working so hard to change his life. We all saw it as wonderful, and definitely for the better. He had trimmed down to a healthy weight, just before he had taken the new position. Shortly after that, he purchased a new car. Also because of the life changes and time, his skin cleared up from his youthful acne. But I think best of all at the time, it was nice to see our friend and fellow misfit was now, after never having been even noticed before, popular and even looked up to. He, we felt, was doing very well, and all of us were pleased. Our friend, even started dating, and soon found his first female companion. We all had spoken together as the relationship went forward. Some of us having more experience with relationships, and as this was his first, he was Cautioned, and it was Highly recommended that he simply be watchful considering the newness of it all. We were all friends, and friends do these things

It was only a short time later, when he said he was moving. He was taking up residence with his new girlfriend. He was challenged about this decision at the time. There was concern that time didn’t allow him the knowledge he needed, to properly evaluate the repercussions of the choice he was making. It was mentioned that returning to the former living situation wasn’t going to be a possibility. This because of a move being made stimulated by his move out. This was presented to him not because of perceived rashness of his choice, but financial needs. A last attempt was still made to snap him out of the spell he was under. The spell cast by a mans first love.

His choice made, he fell into the rhythm of work and his new relationship easily. The female attention he had, new and fresh though it was to him, had its own agenda. In this case, I have felt it was financial security. He was a saver not a spender. There were no bad habits, for him. His life was frugal, never excessive. It just wasn’t him. Kind as he was, I think the stress of this new financial burden got to him over time. She was confronted by him, over the increasing financial burden, her having quit her job. Nothing unusual for her. She had him though and tried to used his inexperience against him. She told him it was over and to get out. I’m sure she was thinking he would apologize and bend to her demands. He did none of that. He took her at her word, which ended his first relationship.

A tough dream lost by a fine man. A man frankly never noticed, but by a few. With women, he for all but a few months of life, was 100% relegated to the friends list, without a thought. Not a crime, but a fact. I feel a weight he felt he couldn’t face. He had changed all he had been, but tried to be what he wasn’t, to be with someone who didn’t want the amazing man he was, or even the amazing man he was trying to become.

Don’t get me wrong, I know these situations go both ways but this is a part of my life I’m trying to share.

Caught, confused embarrassed and hurt by the loss of first love. He made a rash decision. My friend ended his life, with a $79.00 K-mart shotgun. Purchased the same day of the break up. He had taken a drive in his new car to the waterfront, looking across at the Seattle city skyline. He was found by a morning jogger. They brought in the police what they found on his person for ID was the paycheck stub for the check given to him when he finished work the night of his death.

I have always been a private guy I don’t go out much even now let alone then. We because of what we did we weren’t people’s favorite. You see five guys, all over six-foot, barreling out a Monte Carlo with a combined weight of 1500 lbs. (and armed) you pay attention. I had pulled a swing shift and was just getting to sleep, when a knock came on our door. I was my boss and the police. Nobody was coming in till I found out what the hell was going on. Informed, I seated them in the living room. I sharing a home now with my now dead friends brother. I went to his room, no one else was breaking this news.

I want you to know, some people are born hard, and some grow hard from life experience. Diamond hard is the only way I can break such news.

I cracked the door and stepped into his room. I closed the door, and woke his mother’s now only son. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was taking this man to the living room, to allow a total stranger, a police officer to boot, drop this suicide bomb on him. He woke slow, but I let the house guest sit. When I told him of his brother, I also told him of our guests. I also was left to tell him of the police’s request. A request for him to relinquish for a time his licensed sidearm.

Although I have done it before, that was the last time in my life, that I had to take a gun from someone. It’s just a shame it was this man. A person who had saved my ass time and again. This complex person, who had lost his own brother to a gunshot. A man who would have taken a bullet for me. A man who was now his parents only child. A man sadly short his brother, whose name was Scott.

She asked if only to know… (Trust)

She asked if only to know, do you see me as a shell not a soul ? To know me takes long days.. weeks.. months, even years. Breaking down barriers. Exposing, ones fears. Not so much Listening to what’s said, as what’s meant

For who beholds beauty, in face and in hand, but the cowardly, unthinking neanderthal man. So afraid of himself, he looks for his solace in beauty and form, like a musicians chorus. Not lyric, or meaning of song.

She asked once again this time for the truth. I do he said, his voice with a waiver. A hope against hope, to win her favor. But his lie was seen through.

%d bloggers like this: