The Darker Side of a Human Experience

I find many have questions about my personal issues. They want to know why I call myself a hermit. Some what to know how I became a hermit. Others ask why I feel a need to limit my contact with people, even as I profess to loving all of humanity and the wonders of uniqueness within all people. So, I will attempt to share the truth and whys of this aspect of my life.

There is a time in my past where I lost all faith in the decency of my fellow humans. It took some time for these feelings of fading faith and trust, to degrade to a point, where a single action pushed these issues straight over the edge, for yours truly.

I know I’ve seen more of the darker side of humanity, than most. I think that’s a good thing though. I think, most often, those on the darker side haven’t made an overt or conscious choice to get where they are. With circumstances often beyond youths control, youth as it ages in difficulty and stress, moves towards this, that I call the darker side of a human experience.

My first upset back then, was the effect of poverty. Even in a western culture, under our standards, poverty is a sad state of affairs. It wasn’t the struggle of the adults in poverty that was difficult. It was the suffering of the young whose parents were struggling. It was knowing that there was enough not to end the struggle of the parents but the suffering of the children.

Seeing how youth has changed, and not for the better, when something truly their own, was missing from their life. When others have had good summer vacations with family, but yours was trying to save some change for clean laundry. Knowing other families have leftovers from meals, when your experience is white bread and mayonnaise sandwiches, after scraping together enough change, at the month’s end, for a loaf of bread, isn’t the best place for youth to consider their future.

So I’ve watched what actions become more common and seemingly acceptable as these age groups progress in years. Knowing at the same time, because of various other experiences, that such a life for children doesn’t have to exist . That doesn’t stop the negative advancement. Knowing there’s an answer and having the powers that be take the decision that gives the answer motion are completely different.

My first hit to faith was the no action for the sake of children. My second hit to faith was the young themselves, and the ease at which their ethical actions push aside. But here, I don’t actually see any behaviors that other poor populace’s don’t espouse when impoverished themselves. Maybe I was wrong to hope for better.

These are small issues. The true move over the edge is seeing those youth who’ve become adults in this environment, who now have a real choice in life, as to their direction, choosing to advance their loss of moral and ethical values under the free will of adulthood.

These observations of a communities dynamic came from direct observation, while working at a crappy Convenience-Store. Granted, you do see the best and the worst of humanity in such a place. Honestly though, those best parts of humanity are very few and farther between, than one would hope.

The worst of humanity is what caused my personal change. My lack of trust and loss of faith in my fellow-man, is complete with this, the worst part. That part being those youths who’ve grown to adulthood and not changed their path but escalated their crimes.

I had a friend stop in my work after his work to grab his nightly 16 ounce beer and chat. I had a bunch of customers rushing to buy alcohol, and in queue. My friend said hello to a female customer, and all hell broke loose. My friend was then attacked, by the girls boyfriend, who was also a neighborhood gang member. While this happened others held me back, and seeing an opportunity the customers looted the store. Meanwhile while being held back, the gang members attempted the murder of my friend while I could only struggle and watch.

When it finished, after the looting beating ambulance and police, I cleaned up the puddles of blood my friend had left, and pulled blood spattered products off the shelves, and tried to clean the dried droplets from the windows, and finished my shift. I’ve never to return to the neighborhood let alone the store.

Several months later I testified against the three gang member, at trial. They were, convicted. I lost a friend too. I think that was destiny. I know I suffered guilt for so long, not being able to save a friend from such a fate. I’ve also even though I love humanity, I have no faith or trust in those whom I don’t know. This is why I choose the life of a hermit. These circumstances are why I stay close to home. You see it’s not for me I stay home, it’s for you. Protection is the concern. Protecting you from me. My lack of trust and faith in you, brings me to a full defensive state. A state of mind where the unknowns are a danger and those dangers might cause on my part the inappropriate actions, of which I complain. A loss of morals and ethics, as my body slips into survival mood.

I am kind loving stable and happy when holding down the hermit home front. I am a spring ready to snap, ready to give up my life for those I love, without question, on a seconds notice of perceived danger. I am a hermit, and see myself as an unaccounted for variable when spending time in public. As a hermit I care and I love, in public I’m a time bomb that searches for injustice and crime. I have what I’m told is a special look. Which has now and then served me well. The unknown for other is when that look comes, how close I am to dispensing my brand of vigilantly justice, with a special emphasis on adults who are lucky enough to have children, but choose to abuse them in public. Because the children are innocence, till the world of selfish uncaring inattentive abusive adults, destroys the children from within.

So, Why am I a hermit? I am a hermit for you, so I can keep love in my heart for everyone.

In Need of a Lecture

I see, a point of breaking has been reached. I wonder about the logic, behind the reaction. I have to question the  decisions taken around the world, presently. I’m not sure we can leave anyone out at this point. Nor can we not acknowledge the position we hold and the part we play. We can’t, in understanding our place, refuse to place responsibility where it belongs. Understanding our place, admitting our culpability, and exposing the culpability of others, where justified, while changing our own policies, would be a strong step forward. Policies we’ve held for sometime, have only been expansionary, as we occupy to increase in our influence.

I’m not sure of this incidents timing. I’m forced here to look at this, knowing that the stated reasoning for “counter attack “ could be any number of convenient, pre-prepared reasons. Reasons the could be used at anytime, with no one questioning the logic, here in the west. So why now? Answer. It further destabilizes the region.

We have the same policy strangely with Saudi Arabia. You see political and social oppression for physical gain, is practiced there. As it is in Israel. We support them both, generally without question.

With the advance of history, and the years, we’ve lost any moral high ground ,we were once able to claim. We only help to advance those in the world, if they subscribe fully to our system democracy. And those who we influence, rightly or wrongly, have exactly zero experience with democracy of any kind. Let alone, an americanized version.

What freedom is it that we are trying to provide? From what I can tell, freedom is the freedom of markets, not freedom for the people. Freedom for the people would mean they could take all the time they needed to get their own country in order. When our brand of freedom really means, allowing corporations to come in and steal resources for pennies. Pennies, when compared to the resources real value. Resources the country we’ve targeted for freedom, might have built its future on. Resources stripped from them with sweetheart deals, bribes and payoffs, for air tight contracts. Left behind for those people’s freed? Toxicity and Destruction, for generations to come.

I can’t support a foreign policy and economy based in corporate greed and military expansionism. That doesn’t even come close to the moral high ground, our country should be working to regain. That is, if we are to be part of the world in the future. We must understand our number has weight, but there are other countries with larger populations. Throwing our weight around may work for now, but continuing to do, as we have, paves our road to the future with more and more bumps and ruts .

We are struggle to stay on top. We should be struggling to regain what our decision makers have thrown away. with their poor choices, over the last dozen years. Whether you think the words just or ignorant, the mistake was to not take the words spoken by George W. Bush, “We are going to mount a crusade”, to their fullest extent. Now here we are 12 years later, on the verge of war on all fronts. Why? Because we won’t change. Because changing means admitting our policy errors, and what’s been wrought from those errors.

If our country had a mom, we’d be getting such the lecture about our behavior.

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